Seasons

 

I find the season and the time of year affect me much more as I've aged. When I was a child the passage of time was dominated more by festivals like Christmas, Birthdays, Easter and the school holidays rather than any change in atmosphere and temperature. 

I've noticed this year especially I have longed, with almost desperation, for the changing of the clocks, the lighter evenings, the lighter mornings.  My mood brightens and my productivity increases. I have sometimes likened myself to a solar cell that needs abundant sunlight to recharge. There is a sense during the long winter afternoons and evenings of being shut in, confined like a caged beast pulling at invisible restraints. 

I did read somewhere that as you age your pupils become smaller and you require more light and that smaller pupils make it more difficult to see at night. That is something that has been more apparent this winter. For a while I thought there was a problem with my kitchen lighting as it didn't seem as bright as it used to do but now I understand that the light is fine, it is my eyes that have changed, I also read that as we age our eyes absorb less blue light which means we produce less melatonin and why sleep problems can occur. 

I can't remember when I first became aware that the season change and the decrease in the amount of daylight was a problem for me. I definitely don't remember any obvious signs when I was younger but maybe I was less self aware? I don't know. Although I've never bothered with attempting to get any kind of formal diagnosis I do believe I suffer from SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. I don't believe it has anything to do with ageing. I did read that it is likely that a lack of sunlight causes the hypothalamus to stop working properly so I guess that makes it a neurological condition. I follow the guidelines for how to deal with it - I try and get outside every day, I have a light box, I take Vitamin D in the winter months - but ultimately it's just the way it is and I have to deal with it. 

But the warmer, brighter weather also has an effect on easing my stiff joints, I think. There's no scientific evidence that climate pays any part in joint pain but many other sufferers report an easing in the summer months. It sounds silly but something as simple as wearing lighter clothes may be beneficial. Perhaps it's nothing to with warmth but weight? 

I would definitely say that my dread of winter has increased as I've aged to an almost state of panic. The end of October and the changing of the clocks is one of the worst days of the year! I've a friend who encourages me to look forward to the Winter Solstice and mark the gradual lengthening of the days. But that doesn't work for me. I find January 1st more hopeful, the start of a new year and the moving forwards towards Spring. I've become less a fan of Christmas as I've aged too which may account for the January 1st thing. 

Right now as I'm writing this, it's approaching 16:30 and lighting up time isn't until 18:01 today. That makes me ridiculously pleased. The sun is shining which is a wonderful contrast to the wet and gloomy weather we've experienced over the last few days. I love the evening light of the sun. That's something that has developed as I've grown older. It provokes in me a melting pot of emotion - a yearning, a thrill, a sense of having encountered something profoundly beautiful.