And so it is happening. Tomorrow I turn 70. D-Day. Hard to get my head around. It's not until you get there that the full impact hits you. You hear of others reaching 70 and you congratulate them and wish them well. When it's you it's a different story. You know that you're on the last lap. I can't honestly see myself lasting another ten years so I know that sometime soon I will cease to be. And I start wondering how and under what circumstances. And it's funny what comes into your head. I keep thinking that I will never manage to read all my unread books!
Am I being unnecessarily glum? Many people think it's great to have spent such a terrific length of time on the earth. Others feel it's a cause to celebrate - getting there when so many don't. I think both points of view are valid. But I struggle with any optimism because the sense of time running out is very strong.
To celebrate I am going up to London with my best friend and her daughter. Hopefully my sister will meet us and we will have a meal deal lunch in a rooftop garden. We have to be back by 5 because my friend is having her 20 year anniversary that evening at the local casino. I was dreadfully hurt when she told me she was having it on the evening of my 70th birthday but she said it was the only night she could get everyone together. I don't know if I am invited or not!! So I have no idea when we return from London whether I will be celebrating alone that evening or whether I'll be toasting her 20 years with her man. I have mixed feelings. Spending the evening in a casino is not how I would choose to remember my 70th birthday but on the other hand do I want to remember it as another evening spent alone?
I've already had a beautiful bouquet of flowers from one friend who knows I will be out tomorrow. Another friend arranged for me to pick up a book token at my local bookshop. I did that today as I had to pop in there anyway on another errand. The token was for £70! £10 for each year of my life. I was so touched at such a generous gift.
I struggle with birthdays anyway. The sense that I am not worthy or deserving enough to celebrate coupled with an aversion to attention makes it a difficult day. I feel like I am letting people down if I don't try and enter into the spirit of the occasion. The expectation is high and more so given it is a milestone birthday.
I wasn't alway like this. I used to enjoy my birthday, not the attention, that's never been me, but as a social event. I have fond memories of my 50th and my 60th. I wonder what my 70th memories will be?
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